The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
