You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
