we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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