I'm so fucking centered right now
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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