My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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