was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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