Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
