I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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