I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
