well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
