The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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