So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
