I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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