yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
