i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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