The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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