apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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