My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
