we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
