Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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