woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
