Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
