It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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