I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
