if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
