i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
