So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
