She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
