You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize