His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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