I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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