I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
