Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
