I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize