Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
