I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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