we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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