dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
