While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
