where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
