Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need a beard to bite.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
