Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
