He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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