Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
