he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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