I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
