you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
