Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
