I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
