Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
