went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
