Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
