I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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