the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
