Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
