I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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