So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize