Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
