Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
